Welcome!
THANK YOU for your interest in joining The Bonobo Network! We are excited to get to learn a little more about you and share a little about who we are and what we value via this application. Bonobo Network is a private membership group. We bring together folks who understand that monogamy isn’t right for everyone and that pleasure comes in many different packages. We support our members to become more sexually informed, liberated, consensual, communicative, kind, and inclusive so that we can all get the pleasure, connection, and understanding we deserve. Please treat this application as a two-way street. We'll use your answers to help ensure that you are basically aligned with our core beliefs and values and that you have the desire and capacity to learn our practices. We also hope you'll use the information you find here (and on our website) to evaluate whether this is a community that aligns with your values and desires. You won't be evaluated based on your looks, income, spelling, grammar, writing ability, or even experience in sex-positive communities. In fact, you can be completely new to this world. The best way to become a Bonobo member is by showing us that you're engaging thoughtfully, openly, and maybe even a little vulnerably with the questions we ask below. Ok, there’s just a few more things you should know: 1. Please set aside 30 - 60 minutes to complete the entire questionnaire. 2. Your responses will be kept confidential and will not be disclosed – they will only be shared with Bonobo Network team members. 3. If you're applying with a partner or partners, each of you must complete separate applications. 4. If you are accepted you'll be invited to purchase a membership. Standard memberships start at $15/mo or $150/year if purchased annually, with lower-cost memberships available for those with lower income and premium memberships available for those who can afford higher levels of support and/or who want additional member benefits. 5. Once you purchase a membership, you'll be invited to complete the Bonobo Network Orientation, which will give you access to our online community and get invited to all our free and paid events, workshops, and meet-ups. 6. By applying to join Bonobo Network, you're agreeing to opt in to our Mailchimp email list. We use Mailchimp to send your confirmation emails and other important messages. Please use an email address you check regularly to avoid missing Thank you again for applying to join The Bonobo Network. We hope to see you on the other side.
VERY IMPORTANT:
- Your email will be used across all Bonobo applications. MailChimp, Join It, Mighty Networks, EventBrite, etc. If you use multiple email addresses you might not receive all communications.
- Double check that your email is correct.
What pronouns should we use to refer to you in the third-person? *
Select as many as apply. If you’ve never encountered this question before you can use the link below to learn more about pronouns and gender identity and why it's important. We can’t tell someone’s gender by looking at them, so we explicitly ask people about the pronouns they use instead of assuming them. https://youtu.be/gXLFdYNEl_I or
bit.ly/pronoun-info
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Facebook, LinkedIn, Fetlife, etc.
Is a current partner (or partners) also completing an application to join The Bonobo Network? If so, list their name(s) below.
This helps us track connected applicants. Each person in a relationship must complete their own application (i.e., we don't accept joint applications.)
- {name}
Have any members of Bonobo Network endorsed your application? If so, list their full name(s) and email address(es) below, and make sure they've completed the endorsement form.
Find the Endorsement form link at http://bit.ly/bnendorsement
Endorsements from current members may confer a degree of trust to your application. Endorsements don’t guarantee acceptance into Bonobo.
- {name}
-----SEX POSITIVE CULTURE-----
Bonobo Network is a sex-positive community.
To us, that doesn't mean having positive feelings about sex – it's a philosophy that believes everyone should have the opportunity to learn about, explore, and embody consensual expressions of sexuality without judgment or shame. "Above all," says sex educator Aida Manduley, "sex positivity values consent, communication, education that allows people to make informed choices about their bodies, and pleasure."
As a community, we are oriented towards rooting out shame in favor of risk awareness, harm reductionist practices, and open communication. Based on this definition, please answer the following questions.
Based on the above definition, would you consider yourself to be sex-positive? Why or why not? *
- {name}
What are your experiences with sex-positive communities, spaces, websites, or events? *
It's okay if this is your first experience. If you don't have any experiences, just say so.
- {name}
For you, what is valuable about exploring these communities? *
- {name}
Why do you want to be part of Bonobo Network, specifically? *
For instance, what impressions do you have of it? What do you hope to learn, contribute, experience, and/or share here?
- {name}
-----CONSENT-----
Consent is one of The Bonobo Network's most important values. It undergirds everything we do together as a community. This section is really important to us, and we hope you'll take in all the information below before answering questions.
At its best, consent is defined as an ongoing collaboration between two or more people in constant verbal, physical, and emotional dialogue about what each other needs to willingly, safely, and pleasurably engage in an interaction with one another.
For us, gold-standard consent practice has the following characteristics:
AFFIRMATIVE: There is clearly expressed agreement to participate in an activity *before the activity begins.* We're looking for the presence of a yes, not the absence of a no.
COMPETENT: All people involved have the unfettered ability, knowledge, judgment, or skill to have a sexual interaction. All people involved are of sound enough mind to give an uncompromised yes.
INFORMED: All people involved are able to decide whether to participate in an activity based on a shared understanding of risk factors, risk tolerances, and other relevant facts. We expect Bonobos to proactively disclose STI risk factors and intoxication levels.
UNPRESSURED: A "no" should be immediately accepted without undue persuasion, influence, or intimidation to encourage someone to do something they've expressed hesitation about doing. Any coercive tactics (e.g., threats, leveraging a power relationship) or pressure (e.g., making someone responsible for your disappointment, continuing to ask for something after a boundary is stated, or emotional manipulation) are expressly forbidden.
SPECIFIC: All people involved are clear about what they are doing together and the boundaries of proposed activities. Where there is a lack of specificity, participants act with heightened caution and attunement.
ONGOING: Consent must be given throughout the interaction, and it can be revoked at any time. If consent is revoked, play must stop immediately. Partners should check in frequently, and especially when anything changes about the interaction (e.g., introduction of new people, activities, or levels of intensity.)
Based on this, please answer the following questions.
How does Bonobo Network’s approach to consent differ from how you’ve thought about or practiced consent up to this point, if at all? What, if anything, is new about this approach to consent? *
- {name}
How do you know when someone consents to an experience you invite them to share with you? What information do you look for and how do you seek it out? *
- {name}
Imagine you’re preparing to engage in sexual play with someone in private (i.e., not at a monitored play party) and you notice that they seem fairly intoxicated. How would you proceed from that point? What information might you seek and what might you do? *
- {name}
Imagine you’re playing with someone at a play party and they begin to escalate from an agreed-upon level of physical intimacy to another level of intimacy, which you are not sure you want. Which of the following actions are you most likely to take? *
Select all that apply; there are no wrong answers.
Select an option
What information do you typically ask for and offer regarding safer sex before you engage in sexual play with a new person? If you don’t currently have these kinds of conversations before you play sexually, why not? *
- {name}
What, if any, safer sex practices do you generally employ? *
In Bonobo Network, we never shame people for having STIs or for setting boundaries to take care of their sexual health.
- {name}
If you are accepted into Bonobo, we expect members to behave consensually, according to the definition given above, even outside of our events. Are you willing to adopt and act on this standard of consent even outside of Bonobo Network events and spaces? *
- {name}
---- COMMUNICATION & CONFLICT RESOLUTION ----
In Bonobo Network, we aim to show great care and kindness to one another. We don't interact with each other like faceless trolls in an online comment section—we speak to each other assuming that we're all trying our very best, given our emotional resources and circumstances, to be as excellent as possible to one another while also taking care of our needs and boundaries. As participants in this community, we aim to settle and squash conflicts, not stoke and provoke them.
When people fail to live up to our community's standards, we seek accountability and, where possible, repair. We recognize that people's edges, boundaries, and preferences get crossed as a fact of life. When this happens, we expect that Bonobo members will be accountable for any harm they may have caused, seek to understand their impact, and do everything they can to change their behavior.
Our standard is accountability, not perfection, because we believe that the expectation of perfectionism is a trap that rewards hiding our imperfections or being in denial about our mistakes, when we should be accountable for them. Taking responsibility and making amends for the harm we've done helps to reinforce the community's container of trust.
Please answer the following questions about how you tend to engage in conflict and conflict resolution.
When you're in conflict with others, how do you tend to handle it? How do you think you could handle conflict more productively in your own life? *
- {name}
In Bonobo, we understand that people may make mistakes, cross other people's boundaries, or just impact one another without necessarily realizing it. But we also expect that people will own up to their impacts and mistakes, and take responsibility for them. Tell us about a time you crossed someone's boundary and took responsibility for it. What happened, how did you respond when you realized you crossed their boundary, and how did you deal with it after that? *
See http://bit.ly/bonobonetworkconsentpolicy for more information.
- {name}
Being a Bonobo member for long enough often involves sharing real and virtual space with former lovers and partners. How do you generally navigate break-ups? How would you take care of your needs with regard to sharing space with former lovers and partners? *
- {name}
What is challenging about being in relationship with you? *
- {name}
Has anyone made any allegations of sexual boundary crossing, such as any unwanted sexual touching, against you in the last 5 years? Or, have you engaged in sexual boundary crossing that we should know about, even if there is no public allegation? If so, please tell us what happened, how it was resolved or not, and where things currently stand. *
Letting us know this information will not necessarily disqualify you. If we learn after you joined that you've withheld information pertaining to this question, it will be grounds for your removal from the community.
- {name}
----- INCLUSION -----
One of Bonobo Network's greatest strengths is that our members come from many different walks of life, representing many different races, gender identities, class backgrounds, sexual orientations, relationship styles, and more.
We understand that there are often systemic barriers set up that, intentionally or not, have the effect of keeping apart people with different identities, even if they broadly share goals and values.
Our goal is for Bonobo to be a space that makes it easy for folks with certain outgroup, marginalized, or minority identities to feel like they have as much of a place and a stake in our community as anyone else does. That's what inclusion means to us.
Achieving that goal will take collective effort from all of us -- including you! Being a Bonobo member means committing to developing cultural competency by learning about and empathizing with experiences of identity groups that we don't belong to. That doesn't mean you'll be punished for getting it wrong in good faith -- that's not how we do things around here. We want folks to take risks, move with cultural humility in the areas where we perhaps know a little less, learn from their mistakes, and be accountable for the ways we impact others along these lines. At the same time, we want broad recognition that we're all at different places along the learning curve. We just ask that you remain open to learning and take every opportunity to do so.
We're trying to get a sense of where you're at on the learning curve. Please answer the following questions about cultural awareness.
Would you ever intentionally disparage another person based on their race, class, gender identity, physical appearance, or disability? *
If someone tells you you've said or done something insensitive to their race, class, gender identity, or physical appearance how do you respond? *
- {name}
What does the phrase “Black Lives Matter” mean to you? *
- {name}
Do you consider yourself a feminist? Why or why not? *
- {name}
True or False: Trans men are men and trans women are women. *
Explain your answer
- {name}
What, if anything, does the phrase “systemic oppression” mean to you? *
- {name}
-----ABOUT YOU-----
We want to learn more about you and your path to Bonobo Network. We collect demographic information to measure how we're doing at attracting a wide range of applicants. We never decide on your membership status based on the answers to these questions (other than requiring everyone to be over 18).
How did you hear about Bonobo Network? *
Select all that apply.
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If you learned about Bonobo from a specific source, please name it below.
- {name}
Age *
My race or ethnicity is… *
Bonobo strives to be an inclusive community. We welcome people of all races and ethnic backgrounds. Check all that apply. Please do not enter "human" as your answer.
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My gender identity is best described as… *
Bonobo strives to be an inclusive community. We welcome people of all gender identities and expressions. Select all that apply.
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How do you describe your sexual orientation? *
Bonobo strives to be an inclusive community. We welcome people of all sexual orientations. Check all that apply.
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Do you have any accessibility needs you would like us to know about? If yes, please list them below.
- {name}
I acknowledge that by submitting this application, I am opting in to join Bonobo Network's mailing list on Mailchimp. *
Add info@bonobonetwork.com to your email contact list to ensure that you get all our emails. Unsubscribing from Mailchimp will prevent you from getting critical updates on your membership status, event invitations, and more.
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